Due to the wild, unbridled popularity of last Wednesday night’s Mr. Taco blitz during our regularly scheduled Radial service (in which a grown man dressed in a giant taco costume ran out on stage and tossed free hard-shelled tacos into the audience while yelling the phrase, “Eat my babies!”), we here inside the Radial Braintrust decided to go the extra mile and empower you with all the necessary instruction to build your own one-of-a-kind human-sized taco suit. Please, try not to seize with excitement, though…how could you not?
Materials Needed:
Foam mattress pad
Scissors
Brown leotard (or the less cool brown pants & shirt)
Green, yellow, red & black construction and/or crepe paper
Glue
Cotton
Assembly Instructions:
Buy a cheap foam mattress pad. Cut the corners of the square off so it resembles a rounded taco shell.
Paint the mattress pad yellow. Draw little dark spots all over it so it looks like a sufficiently cooked-up taco shell.
Throw on some dark clothes–like a brown leotard or brown pants and a brown shirt (though the leotard is preferred). You want it to look like your body is the beef in the taco.
Glue or tape various shapely pieces of green & yellow crepe or construction paper all over your dark colored clothing. This will be the lettuce & cheese.
Make tomatoes by gluing crumpled balls of red construction paper to yourself.
If you’re going taco supreme style, add other ingredients–like olives, onions or jalapenos–by cutting out these shapes in different-colored construction paper. Don’t worry if your olives don’t look like olives, you’re just going for the overall taco appearance (obviously).
Buy some cotton and spread it evenly over the other ingredients of your costume so it looks like a generous dose of sour cream. You could even color some of the cotton green so it looks like guacamole (if you’re crazy-awesome).
If you really want to take it to the next level: Wear an obnoxiously thick fake handlebar mustache and a sombrero.
Get ready to be overwhelmed with complements directed at your ingenuity, style & general pizazz.
My friend Mike & I have your average, run-of-the-mill day jobs, just like the next fella. I happen to be a youth pastor and he’s a well-groomed friendly Starbucks barista across town. We both love what we do for a living. But, ever since either of us can recall, we’ve had this secret dream to see our passion for Valentines Day greeting card authorship recognized (if not well-respected) by the masses.
And so, every year, just before that fateful cupid-collaborative February holiday, we painstakingly pull together our year’s best musings on life, love & lationships and, with all the vulnerable courage we can muster, we ship our delicate brain-babies off to Hallmark. And every year…just past V-Day, we discover (to our dismay) that our submissions have again been rejected.
Now, we know some of our ideas are a bit “non-traditional”; a bit “out of the box” to say the least. But we strongly feel like the cards readily available off the rack today are just too generic. They’re not specific enough to really speak to the diverse sea of thoughts, feelings, and situations actual people are facing out there. And, let’s face it, if you can’t buy a card with what you need to say already printed on the inside, you’re pretty much never going to be able to communicate it. Period. That’s just the world we live in.
But, sadly, Hallmark just doesn’t seem to have a vision for our work. We, however, feel like we’ve got some real potential here, which is why we’ve decided to release our 2010 love drafts to you online, allowing you, the purchasing public, to be the judge & jury.
The Cards:
Cover: Please know that I love you. I’m just not the kind of guy that would write you a poem, a song, or an extensive love letter. It’s just not me. Inside: Not because I don’t want to do these things, but because I’m illiterate. I never learned to read or write.
Cover: If you got in a horrible accident and could never use your legs again, I want you to know that I would still love you and stay by your side. Inside: But, I only think it’s fair that we both get electric wheel chairs. Because they’re awesome and you shouldn’t get to have all that fun for yourself.
Cover: Our love is so true, I just know we’ll be together forever. Inside: That is…unless someone better comes along.
Cover: I’m not one of those guys who’d ever break up with his girlfriend on Valentines Day. That’s just heartless. Inside: Now you know why I wanted you to wait an extra day to open this card. Consider yourself dumped.
Cover: Girl, I can’t even describe just how much I love you. Inside: Because I don’t. I never have.
Cover: You know I would never do anything to hurt you. Inside: Which is why, even though I know you’re not the one for me, I will never break up with you. Ever.
Cover: It’s not you. It’s just that I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be in a relationship right now…with anyone. Inside: Please consider this your official notification that I am now dating your best friend. What kind of flowers did you say she liked again? Also, if you could let me know by 3pm, that’d be great.
Now, I know many of you out there were fascinated by our first 2010 Backyard Bashes theme: Lumberjacks & Ninjas (Monday). And yet, there was something inside you that held you back from attending because you were self-conscious, intimidated or even flat-out frightened by the straight fact that you just weren’t sure which category you most identify with. We understand, and what’s more important: we’ve been there as well. But alas, my friends, have no fear, for we’ve constructed a brief, yet ever so effective test to remedy this desperate dilemma. Simply answer openly & honestly–letting your heart be your guide–and all will reveal itself in good time. With that said, let the search for the true you begin…
1. When I’m out shopping for shoes, I usually look for…
a. A decent dark sandal to accent a white sock.
b. Something where the sole closely resembles the bottom of a cat’s paw.
c. Steel-toed boots, son!
d. Shopping for shoes is for wussies. I carves my shoes outta the bones of tree-dwelling mammals.
2. The pet best suited for me is…
a. A full-grown male tiger who shares my love for justice.
b. Tear gas.
c. A loyal dog.
d. All animals are equally delicious, but bear meat is especially tender & flavorful. Wait…what was the question again?
3. One of my absolute favorite vacation spots is…
a. I have none. Vacations are for the lazy & undisciplined.
b. Anywhere I can kung-fu tons of dudes doing evil.
c. A quiet cabin in the mountains.
d. Canada–the heavenly birthplace of flannel & quilts.
4. Describe your Driver’s License photo…
a. Black. A lot of black.
b. My eyes are closed, but only because even a mere accidental gaze into their fierceness could cause complete internal organ failure (in more specific terms: bye-bye pancreas).
c. Flannel. A lot of flannel.
d. The amount of facial hair is astounding; even alarming. In a word: Chewbacca.
5. The best vehicle to transport me from A to B is…
a. A giant eagle.
b. I have no need for external transportation. I can practically fly.
c. Easy. F-150 truck. Next question.
d. Boots.
6. In my opinion, Ninjas are…
a. Our most powerful natural resource on earth.
b. Shhhh…just the mention of the word aloud can summon a hurricane of infinite destruction.
c. Total pansies. Just look at the ballet shoes they wear.
d. I ain’t never got to know one and I ain’t planning on starting now.
7. In my opinion, Lumberjacks are…
a. Dumb bearded dudes.
b. Destroying Mother Earth.
c. The manliest of the manly men alive.
d. If you got to ask me, you don’t know me, son.
8. My mother always used to say, “If you can’t say something nice to someone…”
a. “…don’t say anything at all.”
b. “…kill them.”
c. “…you can always complement their beard.”
d. “…sometimes two men walk into the woods & only one man returns.”
9. My favorite kind of flower is…
a. Nightshade.
b. I should roundhouse kick your face in for even asking such a silly question.
c. A 2×4. What do you mean that’s not a flower?
d. Just thinking about this question makes me feel so womanly inside, I’m going to have to go outside and kill a woodland creature.
10. Sometimes it’s hard for me to make new friends because…
a. Most of the time I’m not visible to the naked eye…even when I’m just hanging out. I can accidentally be too stealthy for my own good.
b. I’m probably the deadliest living human, which can be intimidating to some.
c. People find my gun rack & truck bed packed with broken ax heads & discarded animal bones somewhat unsettling.
d. Quite honestly–I often smell like a dead bear’s armpits.
ANSWER KEY:
a= 0.5 ninja point
b= 1 ninja point
c= 1 lumberjack point
d= 0.5 lumberjack point
**Be sure to post your scores in the comments section so the rest of us can begin finally getting to know the true you.
Hey gang! Backyard Bashes are upon us! The craziness begins tomorrow afternoon at 1pm and it’s not too late to decide that your week of schoolessness would be empty & absent of meaning without us and pony up the $20 for your wristband. Just show up at the location of your choice with the loose cash in your sweaty palm.
How It Works:
Each Backyard Bash will be held in the specified location below. In order to get in the door, you must be wearing your purchased yellow wristband AS WELL AS have any and all items in the “WHAT TO BRING” section for that day.
Each party will follow a specific theme that everything will be built upon. Come with a good attitude and be ready for anything… ANYTHING! Yes, you may get a bit messy or wet at times, so don’t wear a brand new outfit entirely made of suede or anything. You may wreck it. These bashes are going to get pretty wild (in the funnest sense of the word).
And please, out of respect for the homeowners, please don’t arrive any earlier than 15 minutes prior to the party’s start time and arrange for a ride to pick you up NO LATER than 30 minutes after the parties stop time each day. Party down.
The Schedule:
MONDAY 1-5pm – lumberjacks & ninja’s
WHERE TO GO:The Allen’s—1080 W. Bosal Dr, Gilbert, AZ 85233
WHAT TO BRING: Dress in your most convincing lumberjack or a ninja ensemble. No weapons please.
……………
TUESDAY 1-5pm – redneck roundup
WHERE TO GO:The Ross’—235 S. 163rd St., Gilbert, AZ 85296
WHAT TO BRING: Anything made with snake skin; sleeveless shirts & thick fake mustaches welcome.
……………
WEDNESDAY 7-10pm – radial service after party
WHERE TO GO:The Activity Center on the Mesa Campus—655 E University Dr., Mesa, AZ 85203
WHAT TO BRING: Yourself, a friend, and an appetite for Candyland board game dominance.
……………
THURSDAY 1-5pm – saturday morning circa 1992
WHERE TO GO:The Activity Center on the Mesa Campus—655 E University Dr., Mesa, AZ 85203
WHAT TO BRING: Wear your PJ’s, favorite footies, and the biggest, baddest bed head possible.
……………
FRIDAY 6:30-9:30pm – off brand
WHERE TO GO: The Hittenberger’s—6354 W. Dublin Lane, Chandler, AZ 85226
WHAT TO BRING: Bring the most ridiculous off-brand snack you can muster.
……………
* If you get lost or have any questions, concerns or favorite recipes to share, call Gretchen Smith at: 602.615.3839 or Adam Smith at: 602.615.3848
Brace yourself, because I’m about to drop a fashionably large nugget of knowledge on you that just might blow your mind: Guys and girls are different. I know, I know. Shocking. In fact, they’re very different. Some of you quicker ones out there in the blogisphere have been quietly shouldering this suspicion since the fateful day you first saw a G.I. Joe & Barbie sitting side-by-side in a jumbled toy bin. That’s right–I said it.
But the diversity doesn’t halt with our shapes & sizes, but extends into the way we think, and act, and feel, and approach life & relationships. The Bible says even our sin tendencies are different. Its like there are these default sinful settings buried within each of us constantly looking for ways to derail God’s best for our lives. They can even feel normal, natural even, but they’re not Godly and ultimately con us into unwittingly cheating ourselves out of the things we’re most after–real love, strong relationships & a fulfilling life.
The apostle Paul in the book of Ephesians said it this way:
Ephesians 4:22-24 (NLV) – “22throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. 23Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. 24Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.”
And so, with that thought looming, we took the last couple weeks here in Radial to shuck the gloves and tell the plain gut-honest truth about the stupid ways we allow the default setting of “our old sinful nature” to call the shots and render us stupid. Here’s a recap of our reasons:
Reasons Guys are Stupid:
Guys abandon chivalry & begin treating girls like just one of the guys.
Guys overlook girls who aren’t as hot as what they think they deserve.
Guys don’t know how to appropriately express their feelings.
Guys don’t take the initiative to set & guard physical boundaries that protect a girl’s purity.
Guys don’t invest much effort to understand & support a girl’s interests & priorities.
Guys are afraid of making long-term commitments and keep an eye out for something new.
Reasons Girls are Stupid:
Girls spend way too much time thinking and talking about guys.
Girls attach themselves to wrong relationships to avoid feeling alone or undesirable.
Girls hide who they really are to become who they think a guy wants them to be.
Girls allow their emotions to overpower wisdom in relational situations.
Girls attempt to manufacture security by becoming clingy and controlling in relationships.
Girls put up with too much for too long before getting out of a bad relationship.
As teeth-clinchingly frustrating as it always is to see the unflinching truth about yourself laid out in front of you, realizing where we go wrong is often the first step into turning around and moving in the right direction.
To listen to my wife Gretchen & I unpack the above in hilarious, yet sobering detail, check out the radial podcast via iTunes.
As of last week (March 3 to be exact), Radial Mesa has officially slid over to their new service perma-lodging (Wednesday nights at 7pm). And, even though we wouldn’t want to anyway, we just can’t hide how ultra pumped we are about the new digs.
The launch service was a blow-out of epic proportions. It was mind-numbingly incredible. But, we know your skeptical wonder-brain is guessing we have to say that. I mean, it’s our blog right? True & true. Which is why we decided to let the attendees speak for themselves.
Here are just a few favorite launch night status updates we stumbled across while sifting through Facebook in the wee hours of the morn just after that fateful service:
Hillary Elsner: “if we can get enough people to come to a place better than disneyland on march 3, mike jasper gets to have the lucky honor of having his chest waxed”
Heather Hittenberger: “ONLY at Radial Mesa would you 1. Walk in to church and see 4 men in tights dancing to single ladies! 2. Watch Michael Jasper get his chest waxed! 3. Have a lesson about how guys are stupid!!! and 4. Get to eat ice cream after service! Thank you Gretchen Haensler Smith and Adam Smith you are officially my idols !!!!!”
Brianna Taft: “I have to say… mission move Radial to Wednesday was a SUCCESS… poor Jasper…”
Taylor Hawker: “What an amazing day! Radial kick off was amazing!!!”
Sarah Bonilla: “Men in tights dancing to Beyonce, chest hair waxage, message on the dumb things guys do, and ice cream buffet . . . now THAT’S how you do church on a Wednesday! Amazing awesomeness!”
So, if you missed it, don’t fret. We won’t lie to you and tell you it wasn’t next-level stunning awesomeness, but we will tell you that there’s more awesome to come. It’s just going to get bigger and better. So, get to it. Rearrange your schedule. Buy a bus pass. Hitchhike. Do what you’ve got to do to be there every Wednesday night at 7pm and see first hand why all your Facebook friends can’t seem to shut-up about an all new Radial Mesa.
Here’s the deal gang–Backyard Bashes 2010 is right around the corner (seven days to be exact) and we’re getting a bit giddy around here. Why wouldn’t we? We’re talking 5 fabulous parties in 5 feverish days; a week of sweet-n-tasty theme bashes sprawled out across an otherwise dulled-up week of no-schooled stir-crazied madness: the week of March 15-19 aka Mesa Spring Break.
So listen carefully. Here’s what you need to know: $20 bucks scores you a neon yellow wristband that buys you into all 5 bashes. These phat plastic fashion accessories (doubling as your week-long party pass) go on sale this Wednesday night in the AC lobby of the Mesa Campus. So tuck a wad of ones in your pocket and come ready to purchase a week of beautiful backyard bliss.
PLUS…to take your cooped-up excited delight to the next level, this Wednesday night during Radial Mesa’s second ever midweek youth service (kick-starting at 7pm), we’ll be premièring the brand spanking new 2010 Backyard Bashes video trailer (starring the always injury-prone Michael Jasper) outlining the ins-and-outs of this year’s can’t-miss themes. Trust us, you’re gonna want to see this thing for the first time with a packed-out studio audience of other like-minded avid Radial fans.
But–to simultaneously tide you over till then as well as get you clappily drooling for more–here’s a look back at last year’s video trailer.
